My New Eyes

IMG_20150723_093603So whadda ya think? Kind of a Clark Kent feel for the ol Gregory Kent. I would be tickled if someone (beside people trying to post ads for ED medication) would leave a comment on the blog just so I can see a real one. Not that I am complaining mind – thanks to everyone who leaves wonderful comments on Facebook!

These glasses have changed my worldview (yay an unintended pun! an angel gets a whopee cushion or somesuch). No really. You see these are special old man glasses and they have magical old man properties. When I put them on suddenly my hands became really wrinkled and sometimes when I turn my head juuust right I can see into an alternate universe that is inhabited by distorted energizer bunnies. Also these glasses explain the some times random “cockatiel-on-meth” head movement you sometimes see in older people who are trying to read something… or step off a curb (yeah that was a world of fun outside the doctor’s office). Also it seems that I do cock my head left or right pretty often which produces an effect not unlike the effect of three pint glasses of Guinness on an empty stomach – which is cool mind – just not so much when going 75mph on the highway. Making up for that is the fact that by looking down I can almost make out the nuclear structure of any item at hand – even read a serial number off an iPad (yes even without a scanning electron microscope). All in all these glasses have gone along way in explaining the actions of people who used to be a couple of generations before me as well as stopped me having to hand things to my darlin wife for her to read to me like I am three years old again.

I decided that I had to give in and get new glasses one stormy night when we went to a nice local movie theater. This kind tiny girl handed me a slip of paper with the words TORNADO WARNING INSTRUCTIONS in nice big bold letters across the top followed by what appeared to be the largest block of fly poop I have ever seen. At this point I knew that in case of tornado I would pretty much just be screwed if I was by myself and didn’t have my ever patient flyspeck reading wife along. To cement my resolve later when I pulled out my trusty Sony camera the LCD viewfinder was so blurry it was pretty much a crapshoot if the picture was going to be in focus or not. All summer to this point my event photography has been faith based.

When the lady who did my fitting related the cost of these magical spectacles am pretty sure I must have made an impressive “you have got to be shitting me” face because she practically apologized at that point without me saying a word. Without my insurance these would have cost as much as oh… a stainless steel refrigerator… with insurance it was still in the luxury car monthly payment range. Then again as my 7-10 day wait stretched to 22 days I figured they must have sent the frames to a large active volcano in the south pacific where mythical glass crafting gnomes slaved, slagging sand from the moons of Mars, forging the magical old man properties into the lens. Either that or some inept pimply desk clerk forgot to send off my order for a whole week until my wife went up there and made unhappy faces at them. We may be shopping for a new eye doctor…

Anyway… I will be seeing you in new frighteningly lifelike detail soon. <– SEEE what I did there…. 😎


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